when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
