Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
