please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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