Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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