I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
