I wish my penis had an off switch
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
