he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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