I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
