I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I feel like death gave me a hand job
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
