Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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