He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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