He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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