The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
