you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
