Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
