I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
