the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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