Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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