i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
