Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
