I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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