Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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