I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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