if i can run in heels then i can drive
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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