I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You have to summon your inner elephant
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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