sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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