So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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