3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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