my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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