A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
