I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
