Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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