I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
it was like eating out sand paper
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
