You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
