wrigley field is MILF paradise
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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