Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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