Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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