I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
