Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
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