I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
