I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
