Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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