i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
