he puts the penis in happiness.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
