I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
