Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
