Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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