never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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