I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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