Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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