I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I understand Curling. That high.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
